We all need a little humor to make life more bearable. Try the bear joke below or read on for more chuckles! If you have any good jokes you would like to add, please send them to Dr. McArdle via the Contact Form. Thank you!
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette and they would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first."Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, " WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the time praising Jesus."
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, I probably shouldn't have started my bear off with circumsion ."
"I Like it just the way it is, thank you!"
Humor courtesy of Gene Paltrineri, Gene Paltrineri Photography, Dover, NH
Excerpts from a DOG's Diary 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a CAT's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Swine! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell so he is safe, for now...
ALL'S FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR - The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists...two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ''We must know if you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find someone sitting in a chair. Kill whoever it is!!! The man came out 30 seconds later and said, ''You can't be serious. That's my wife! I could never shoot her.'' The agent said,'' Then you're not the right man for this job.'' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ''That's my wife! I tried, but I can't kill her.'' The agent said, ''You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill whoever was inside. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, ''This gun is loaded with blanks. What's up with that? I had to beat my husband to death with the chair!''
A REAL EYEFUL - A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He instinctively jumps up, reaches out, snatches it in mid-air and hands it back. ''Oh my, I am sooo sorry'', the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. ''Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you'', she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for an intimate nightcap ... and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible!!!! ''You know", he said, ''you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'' ''No'', she replies,"...You just happened to catch my eye.''
Humor courtesy of Dr. Lisa Schulman, Portsmouth, NH
BACKSEAT DRIVER - A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said ''Look friend, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!'' The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied ''Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.''
BEEN THERE FAR TOO LONG - A man, having shipwrecked his yacht on a deserted island, had been stranded there for years without any hope of seeing another living soul ever again. One morning as he lay on the beach, he was stunned to see a beautiful young blond woman in a string bikini emerge from the waves. As she walked toward him over the sand he rubbed his eyes and squinted at her in disbelief. When she came up to him he heard her say, "I bring you greetings from the inhabited world and three wishes to grant you." After recovering from the initial shock he replied, "Well, I haven't had a martini since I've been on this island." The woman reached inside the left cup of her bikini top, took out a glass with a perfectly mixed martini in it and handed it to the castaway. The man took a sip of the drink and sighed gratefully. "You have two wishes remaining", the woman reminded him. "Well, I haven't had a cigar since I've been here either", he said. The blond reached inside the right cup of her bikini top pulling out a Cuban cigar and a lighter. As the man put the cigar to his lips she lit it for him. "This is heaven", he declared. The man then sat there on beach contentedly sipping his martini and puffing on his cigar. The woman looked down and reminded him, "You still have one wish left." The man shrugged his shoulders and proclaimed, "I'm as happy as clam right now." On this the woman kneeled down behind him, wrapped her arms around his neck and whispered in his ear, "Do you want to play around?" The man looked up over his shoulder at the woman with an amazed expression on his face and asked, "You have golf clubs in there?"
A doctor hired a plumber to fix a leak in his office. Two hours and a few new pipes later, the plumber hands the doctor a bill for $700.00. "$700.00 for two hours work", the doctor gasped, "I don't charge that much!" To which the plumber replied, "Come to think of it, I didn't charge that much either back when I was a doctor."
"I'm in the wrong business!"
Humor courtesy of Joe Lavin, Port City Plumbing & Heating, Portsmouth, NH.
CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN - Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, ''Bring me my red shirt!'' The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, ''Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?'' The Captain replied, ''If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders. Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants!''
- Humor courtesy of Dennis Bezanson, Attorney at Law, San Diego, CA
DEATH WISH - A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. She told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat OR ELSE!" The next morning the wife saw a small package in the driveway with a bow on it. She went out and, after eyeing the box for a few minutes, opened it to find a brand new bathroom scale. Later that day, a team of surgeons labored feverishly to remove the scale from her husband's head.
DECORUM - One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was ''acting up'' during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little one up over his shoulder and sternly walked up the aisle towards the back of the church. On the way out, just before reaching the foyer, the young one called loudly to the congregation, ''Pray for me! Pray for me!"
Humor courtesy of Betty Ann Moriarty, Framingham, MA.
DON'T I KNOW YOU? - Two men were sitting one stool apart in a bar having drinks. Each one had had several drinks, but they appeared to be holding their liquor quite well. As one ordered another belt, the other one said, ''Is that a brogue I hear, are you from Ireland?'' ''Why yes, I am'', replied the first man. The other then asked, ''What part?'' ''County Cork'', came the reply. ''I'm from County Cork'', said the first man in surprise, ''what town?'' ''Fairhaven'', the other man answered. ''I'm from Fairhaven'', said the first man in amazement, ''we must know some people in common.'' ''Yes we must'', said the other man, equally flabbergasted. The first man then asked, ''How old are you?'' ''Forty-two'', said the other man. ''I'm forty-two'', gushed the first man, ''we practically grew up together!'' ''Yes we did'', agreed the other man. Down at the other end of the bar, the bartender clutched his forehead and then raked his hand down over his face as he shook his head. One of the bar's other patrons asked the bartender, ''What's up?'' ''It's the McArdle twins'', said the bartender in exasperation, ''they're drunk again.''
- Humor courtesy of Joe Wright, Exeter Travel, Exeter, NH.
DONKEY ECONOMICS - A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, ''Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'' Kenny replied, ''Well then, just give me my money back.'' The farmer said, ''Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'' Kenny said, ''OK then, just unload the donkey.'' The farmer asked, ''What ya gonna do with him?'' Kenny said, ''I'm going to raffle him off.'' Farmer: ''You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'' Kenny: ''Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'' A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, ''What happened with that dead donkey?'' Kenny: ''I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.'' Farmer: ''Didn't anyone complain?'' Kenny: ''Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'' Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE - A police officer was making a traffic stop one day and as he asked the driver for his license and registration he noticed several machetes on the back seat floor of the man's car. Remembering an APB he had just heard over his cruiser's radio about a rapist menacing the surrounding area with a similar weapon, the policeman asked the driver why they were in his car. The driver told him that he was a professional juggler and the machetes were part of his act. Skeptical of this explanation, the officer decided to call the man's bluff and have him demonstrate. The driver then got out of his car with the machetes while the police officer kept his distance with a hand on his holster and proceeded to juggle with the machetes. He started with two then added another and another until he had seven machetes going at once. The policeman was truly impressed and was about to let the man go on his way when another passenger car happened by. Slowing at the sight of the police cruiser's flashing lights, the driver looked dumbfounded on this scene. He then turned to his wife and said, ''That's it, no more drinking and driving for me. I couldn't even try to FAKE passing that test!''
FINAL EXAMS - At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an ''A'' so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that, the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until Monday morning just before noon. Rather than taking the test that afternoon, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back out in the boonies, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. ''Cool,'' they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, ''this is going to be easy.'' Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points) - Which tire?
GOD'S COUNTRY - It seems a man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking pictures. He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign that read; "All Calls $10,000.00 a minute". Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price he could talk directly to God. He thanked the pastor and continued on his way. Visiting churches in Seattle, Boise, Denver, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York and other places, he found more phones with the same sign. From each pastor he received the same answer. Finally, he arrived in New England. Upon entering a church, low and behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign read; ''All Calls: 25 cents.'' Fascinated, he asked of the pastor, ''Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this very same golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost was $10,000.00 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?'' The pastor (smiling benignly) replied, ''Son, you're in New Hampshire now. It's a local call.''
GO GRANNY, GO! - As an elderly woman came out of the supermarket after shopping, she was horrified to see that four men were getting into her car and attempting to drive away with it. She immediately took her purse out of the shopping cart containing her groceries and pulled a gun out of it as she pushed the cart aside. Assuming the shooter's stance, she screamed at the men in outrage,'' I have a gun and I know how to use it! Out of the car, you scumbags!'' The men looked at her in wide-eyed terror, raised their arms and backed away from the car as they stumbled over each other in a panicked retreat. The white-haired old lady, still trembling from the shock of the situation, proceeded to load her shopping bags from the cart into the car and then got into the driver's seat as she attempted to start the car. However, she was so shaken by these events that she could not seem to get the key into the ignition to start the car. She tried this several times before she came to understand what the real problem was. A few rows away in the same parking lot, the little old lady found her own car and drove it over to the one with her groceries in it before transferring them from that car into hers. She then drove directly to the nearest police station where the sergeant to whom she related this story began to roar with laughter. He answered her puzzled look by pointing over to a detective who was taking a car-jacking report from four, anxious white males. They described their assailant as an elderly grandmother type with curly hair, less than five feet tall and brandishing a large handgun. No charges were filed.
- Humor courtesy of Dr. Lisa Schulman, Portsmouth, NH.
GOOD ANSWER - A defense attorney was questioning the arresting police officer during a felony trial in an attempt to discredit him. The attorney asked, ''Why did you arrest my client when you did not actually see the crime take place?'' ''Because my partner did and when he radioed me a description of the perpetrator, the defendant was the only person at the scene fitting that description,'' replied the officer. The attorney asked, ''Do you always trust your partner in these matters?'' ''I trust my partner with my life,'' replied the policeman. The attorney asked, ''Do you trust all your brother officers in this way?'' ''All of them,'' replied the officer. The attorney asked, ''Do you have a locker at your place of work?'' ''Yes,'' replied the policeman. The attorney asked, ''Do you keep a lock on this locker?'' ''Why yes, I do,'' replied the officer. Triumphantly, the attorney asked, ''If you trust your fellow policemen so absolutely, why do you have to do that?'' ''Because my locker is here in the courthouse,'' said the officer calmly, ''and many lawyers pass this way.''
- Humor courtesy of Ken Weyler, New Hampshire State Representative, Kingston, NH
And when I'm not in court, I'm casing the policeman's locker room!
Half Full Or Half Empty? - There once were twin brothers who had very different outlooks on life. One was a depressing pessimist, the other an eternal optimist. One Christmas, Santa decided he was going to try and change this so he brought the pessimist a brand new motorcycle and gave the optimist a box of horse manure.
On Christmas morning, their mother came downstairs to find the pessimist with his usual frown on and the optimist grinning ear to ear. "And what did you get for Christmas?” she asked the pessimist. "A motorcycle!” he replied with a combination of outrage and disgust. "Can you believe that, I could get killed on one of those things. What was Santa thinking?" Then the mother asked the same question of her optimist. Looking around in excited anticipation he replied, "A horse, I just haven't found it yet!"
Ho, Ho, Ho - here I am!
Humor courtesy of Dr. Ricardo Mitrani, Mexico City, Mexico.
MEMORIAL - One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy and said quietly, ''Good morning Alex.'' ''Good morning Pastor,'' replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. ''Pastor McGhee, what is this?'' Alex asked. ''Well, son, it's a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.'' Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, ''Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
Mr. Sensitive - Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Donnie and Bubba. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls 50 feet off the tower and is killed instantly. After the ambulance takes the body away, Bubba says, 'Well, who’s gonna tell his wife? Donnie says, 'I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' So he leaves and an hour later, he comes back with a case of Budweiser under his arm. Bubba looks at him and says, 'I thought you went to tell Cooter's wife he was dead.’ To which Donnie replies, ‘I did.’ Then Bubba says, 'What’s up with the case of beer?' ‘I got it from her.’ answers Donnie. 'That's unbelievable, you told the woman her husband was dead and she gives you a case of beer?', blurts out Bubba. 'Well, it’s all in how you go about it Bubba', Donnie says. 'I knocked on the front door and when she comes out, I says to her, "you must be Cooter's widda." So she says, 'You must be mistaken sir, I'm no widda.' So then I says, ‘Betcha a case beer y’are!' Some rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff.
NO REST FOR THE WEARY - After an overnight flight to meet her husband at his latest military assignment, a mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Mein Air Base in Germany with her nine children -- all under age 12. Collecting their many suitcases, the ten of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched this entourage in disbelief, ''Ma'am,'' he said, '''do all these children and this luggage belong to you?'' ''Yes, sir,'' the mother said with a sigh, ''they're all mine.'' The customs agent then began his interrogation: ''Ma'am, do you have any weapons or illegal drugs in your possession?'' ''Sir", she calmly answered, ''if I'd had any of those items, I would have used them already.''
OH, NUTS! - A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, ''Stay here in the field.'' An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. ''What's wrong?'' the father asked. ''I told you to be quiet.'' The son answered, ''Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, ''Should we eat them here or take them with us? Well, I guess I just panicked.''
Humor courtesy of Dennis Bezanson, Attorney at Law, Hampton, NH
PARTS IS PARTS - A young man inherited his uncle's estate after the old man passed away. Among the estate's inventory was a talking parrot that the young man took home with him. It didn't take the young man long to appreciate that he had a problem on his hands. This was the most foul-mouthed creature that the young man had ever heard. Every profanity imaginable uttered from the bird's mouth and he had a nasty habit of making references to the circumstances of the young man's birth. After the parrot carried on in front of company in this way the young man had had enough. As soon as his guests had left, the young man grabbed the parrot by the neck and threw it into his meat freezer slamming the door shut afterwards. When he had cooled down several minutes later, the young man opened the freezer sheepishly hoping that the bird had not been injured in his fit of rage. To the young man's surprise, the parrot emerged from the freezer a changed bird. The Parrot said, "I apologize to you sir for my former conduct and I assure you that it will never happen again because from this time on I will always be respectful of thee." "But pray tell me sir", the parrot asked, "what did the chicken do?"
QUICK THINKING - Two friends were walking their dogs in the park one morning, a German shepherd and a Chihuahua. After a few hours they came to the outskirts of the park close to where a new restaurant had recently opened. "I've eaten there and it's great", said the shepherd's owner, "let's get some lunch." "No way", said the Chihuahua's owner, "they won't let us in there with our dogs." "Sure they will", said the shepherd's owner, "just follow my lead." The shepherd's owner then proceeded to put on the sunglasses he had in his shirt pocket and walked his dog over to the restaurant entrance. The doorman stopped him and said, "Sorry, no pets allowed." But this is my seeing eye dog, I can't go any where without him", said the shepherd's owner. The doorman hesitated for a second and then said, "OK, you can bring him in." On seeing this, the Chihuahua's owner thought to himself, "If he can do it, I can do it." He then took a pair of sunglasses from his fanny pack, put them on and walked his dog over to the restaurant where he was stopped by the doorman as he tried to enter. "No pets allowed pal", said the doorman. "But you don't understand", said the Chihuahua's owner, "this is my seeing eye dog and I can't get around without him." "A Chihuahua", blurted out the doorman? "You're kidding", responded the Chihuahua's owner, "they gave me a Chihuahua?"
RUN FATHER, RUN! - A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, ''And now what, my little man?'' To which the boy replies, ''Now we run!''
SORRY, YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT - A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things. He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said ok, hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again. ''Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed? Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all.'' Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit, the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to this man, ''I thought you said you'd shot them!'' He replied, ''I thought you said there was no-one available!''
Taking It With You - It's a wife's job to listen to her husband. There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her and she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put ALL of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
The Broken Lawnmower- When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the side walk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
THE BUFFALO THEORY - One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm, and here's how it went: ''Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... a herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers!"
THE CHEAP PARROT - A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted the most beautiful parrot she'd ever seen. The price tag on the cage read $50.00, which seemed awfully inexpensive.
"Why so cheap?," she asked the pet store manager.
He grimaced as he told her, "Well, its former owner worked in a brothel and it says some pretty off-color stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided it was such a good deal that she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, put the bird's cage down on her living room table and took off the cover. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman thought if this was the the worst thing it said, she'd gotten quite a buy.
About 10 minutes later, her 2 teenage daughters came home from school and the bird said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
This freaked the girls out a bit, but when their mother told them what the deal was, they laughed it off.
Just then, the woman's husband came home from work.
The Cabbie & The Nun - A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me." She responds, "Hmmm, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!" "OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make Madonna blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
The Lost Chapter of Genesis - Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course, the rest is history......................
THE NEW PET - This guy was lonely so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So, he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, ''Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?'' But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, ''How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'' But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?" A little voice came out of the box then: ''I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my damned shoes.''
Humor courtesy of Dennis Bezanson, Attorney at Law, Portsmouth, NH
THE REPORT CARD - One morning a little girl asked how much her mother weighed. ''If there's one thing you never ask a woman, it's her weight,'' replied the mother. Next, the little girl asked how old her mother was. ''The other thing you never ask a woman is her age, child,'' said the mother. The little girl went to school that day and told one of her friends about this conversation. ''You don't have to ask your mother to find that out,'' explained the friend,''just look at her license and it will tell you what you want to know.'' So after school that day while her mother was over at a neighbor's, the little girl went into her mother's purse and read her driver's license. When the mother returned home her daughter said, ''I know how much you weigh mommy.'' ''How did you find out?'', asked the mother. ''I know how old you are too'', said the little girl. ''How do you know that?'', asked the mother. ''And I know why Daddy left you'', smirked the child. ''You do?'', asked her mother, dumfounded. ''Yes'', giggled the daughter,''because you got an ''F'' in sex!''
THERE'S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE - A husband and wife went out to play a round of golf, but on the first hole the husband's tee shot sliced, landing onto the back terrace of a lavish home beside the course. The couple rushed over to the house fearing that someone could be hurt or that some damage had been done to the dwelling. When they arrived on the terrace they found a man sitting on a bench with his head in his hands next to an antique Chinese urn that had been smashed into many pieces. "I'm sorry", said the husband, "I'll pay whatever it takes to replace your urn." The man looked up at the husband and said, "You don't understand. I'm a genie and I've been trapped in that urn for centuries. You have set me free. For this I will grant you two wishes and I ask only that you grant me one small wish in return." The husband thought for a minute and said, "I'd really like to live in a home like this one." The genie handed the husband a map and said, "Follow this map to where the X is marked on it and you will find a house as grand as this one with a deed inside made out to you." The wife then elbowed her husband in the ribs and hissed, "You've got to think bigger than that, we only have one wish left!" "Right, right", said the husband composing himself, "I want to be rich and have a whole lot of money. Give me $5 million." The genie replied, "When you arrive at your new home you will find that the phone is hooked up and when you call your bank they will confirm that $5 million is in your account. Now, for my wish I would like your wife to stay with me for one hour after you leave for your new house." The couple discussed this request, agreed to it and the husband left with map in hand. One hour later as he lit a cigarette, the genie asked the wife, "How old is your husband?" "Thirty-four", the wife answered, "why do you ask?" "Hmmm....", the genie mused, "that's quite old to still be believing in genies."
THE SAMARAI - Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. ''Demonstrate your skills!'' commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! ''What a feat!'' said the Emperor. ''Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.'' The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and Swish! Swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered! ''That is skill!'' nodded the Emperor. ''How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?'' Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, ''What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead.'' ''Dead, schmead,'' replied the Jewish Samurai. ''Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!''
Humor courtesy of Betty Ann Moriarty, Framingham, MA
THE SPECIAL FROG - A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, ''Ribbit, 9 Iron.'' The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, ''Ribbit, 9 Iron.'' He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, ''Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?'' The frog replies, ''Ribbit, Lucky frog.'' The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. ''What do you think frog?'' the man asks. ''Ribbit, 3 wood.'' The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, ''OK where to next?'' The frog replies, ''Ribbit, Vegas.'' They fly to Las Vegas and the guy says, ''OK frog, now what?'' The frog says, ''Ribbit, Roulette.'' They head to a casino and upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, ''What do you think I should bet?'' The frog replies, ''Ribbit, $3000 on black 6.'' Now, this is a million-in-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, ''Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful.'' The frog replies, ''Ribbit, Kiss Me.'' He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. ''And that, your honor, is how that woman ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.''
THE WHALE TALE - A snotty little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though whales are the largest mammals on the planet, their throats are too small to do so. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher said that this was an interesting fable, but a whale could not possibly swallow a human. The little girl said, ''When I get to heaven, I'll ask Jonah.'' The teacher then retorted, ''And what if Jonah went to hell?'' The little girl replied, ''Then you ask him.''
Two Little Kids - Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...Couldn't walk for a year."
WHAT'S MY LINE? - A father walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's crotch and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, ''I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" ''No", the woman replied, "I'm a divorce attorney.''
YOUNG LOVE, FIRST LOVE - A teenage boy was dating his first girlfriend and she told him that her parents had invited him to their home for dinner because they wanted to meet him. She also told him that her parents were heading for the airport right after dinner because they were going on vacation. The boy thought about this and realized that.... he could become a man that night. So he went down to the local pharmacy and consulted with the druggist about his family planning options, made a purchase and headed out to dinner that night with great expectations. When he arrived at his girlfriend's home he was invited in, met her parents and they all sat down to the dinner table where he was asked to say grace, which he did. Ten minutes later he was still saying grace. His girlfriend looked at him with a questioning glance and said, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy looked back at her and replied, "I had no idea your father was a druggist."
YOU'RE FREE TO GO - A state policeman got into his cruiser one Friday afternoon and pulled out of the Dunkin' Donuts he'd been visiting at the end of his shift headed back to the barracks. He soon found himself trailing a brand new BMW sedan that was moving along normally, well within the speed limit. About a half mile later, the officer noticed the BMW's driver look back at him in his rear view mirror and then proceed to accelerate away rapidly. The officer followed, matching its increasing speed. Soon the BMW was traveling at a speed of almost 100 m.p.h. so the officer chased him down and pulled him over. As the officer walked up to the BMW, he motioned for the driver to roll down his window. "Look", said the statey, "it's Friday afternoon and I'm still in a good mood. If you give me a reason not to write you up that I haven't heard before, I'll let you go on your way." "Well", replied the BMW's owner looking up at the policeman sheepishly, "my wife ran off with a state cop last week and I...ah... thought you were trying to bring her back."
Humor courtesy of Ben Greene, Greene International, Portsmouth, NH